congregational holiness

I have fucked up my life once again. Youd think i would be use tot his but im not, and i guess i havent learned much. But the only thing on my mind is the smell of blood, the taste of cigarretts, and the want of sleep after all that. The want to cry is over powering and i have a feeling it may win while im in class tomorrow. If i dont break down and try something stupid ill update about my weekend away. If not im sorry everyone has to miss that funny part of my life.
razor blade dreams tonight (to bad the dream already happened...)

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I went to bed around midnight. Chris is walking the dog because he wanted to make things easier on me. Sadly it only makes me feel guilty.

There were no last minute papers in either of my boxes this morning. So no grading was necessary which was a good thing because I hit the snooze alarm a lot this morning. I am exhausted and do not want to go to work. But that is not an option.

I donapos;t understand how other people do it. When I talk about how tired I am, because someone asks, I get a lecture about how I cannot be tired because I donapos;t have kids. I get lectured that I cannot be busy because I donapos;t have kids. Or I get told that many people have more than one job because they have to pay the bills. I feel like everyone in the world is like my mother, constantly reminding me how someone else has it worse, usually the person giving the lecture.

I wasnapos;t trying to make them feel bad. They asked me question and I answered. I probably aught to learn that no one really wants to know. The answer they want is fine, or great, or some other non-threatening, non-committal answer.

I have never realized how threatening I am to others.

In other crowds I get lectured because I complain that it upsets me that I donapos;t have time for the one TV show I want to watch. Evidently I should be happy that my life is pretty devoid of TV. I should realize that I am a better person for not watching "that box." I should be happy that my time is spent productively. All that I want is one hour of mindless entertainment--why is that bad? Why am I bad for wanting it?

I guess I just need to work on my time management skills. I thought that I had a good plan this weekend so that I could go to bed a decent hour last night but I failed miserably, like I always do. Tonight I get to start doing all of the chores that I have not had time to do. There still wonapos;t be a free hour to watch my show.

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Today I am having a major clean-up day because Iapos;ve been too busy to bother with the house of late. I will regret the time out when deadlines loom, but I canapos;t really let the house get much worse.�Itapos;s overwhelming enough as it is

But cleaning is very boring, so time out from it to go online and update my LJ is essential. Weapos;ve had a really good weekend - we went to my friend Lindyapos;s 50th birthday party in the city on Saturday night, and it was a really fun night. Gabriel chose her present, after much pondering�by Grant and me as to what to get. We were�in the shopping�mall, and Iapos;d just decided against all the picture frames in one particular shop, when Gabe said "Does she like Doctor Who?"�She does indeed, I remembered.�So we got her a dalek clock, which she was very happy with.�

I felt a pang seeing Lindy with all�her family and friends from school as well�as much more recent friends like me present, because Iapos;ll never have a party like that, with everyone�whoapos;s meant anything�to me all in the same room. Itapos;s like my life is in two halves:�Before I�Came To Australia�and After I�Came To Australia ndash; and those halves never meet to make one whole. My closest friends here will never meet my closest friends there. Even todayapos;s technology, by which they can "see" one another on my Facebook page, canapos;t bridge the gap thatapos;s there.

Anyway, enough of that.�Yesterday we went for a walk at Warrandyte, in an attempt to blow away the cobwebs from�Saturday nightapos;s partying (50th birthdays shouldnapos;t leave you feeling tired - I must be getting old), and the rest of the day was spent doing a jigsaw with Gabe, and reading Val McDermidapos;s A�Darker Domain, which I�bought on Saturday. Itapos;s taken me�a while to get into it, there are so many characters and time shifts�(not to mention Mick MacGahey making a cameo appearance, which seemed a bit odd) , but now Iapos;m hooked. And hereapos;s my favourite quotation from it so far (not a spoiler):

"Youapos;re saying the caves could have been a potential hiding place for the kidnappers?�Isnapos;t that a bit Enid Blyton?" he said, trying to reassert himself.

"Very popular,�Enid Blyton, sir. Maybe she could even be called inspirational."

I love the way Valapos;s so open about her own love of Enid Blyton and also the Chalet School, because Iapos;m sure many international best-selling writers would be too embarrassed to admit it.

Oh, well, back to the cleaning.�Yawn.
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Yesterday Marilynrsquo;s son Ben and his sons, Ian and Max were starting their trip back to Hopkins, MN. They left about 8:30 AM. It was a little bit cool, so they were wearing their jackets.

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As you can tell in the above picture they take a lot of stuff on their trips.

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We were sad to see them leave and we will miss them. I hope they come back soon.

We got a call last night, they were back home about 8:30 PM, a twelve hour trip.

Lucky

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Bleugh. Today the forecast is 33 degrees. Nasty hot weather makes its triumphant return to Perth, and the aircon in Chez N is still busted. Boooo I canapos;t help but have a tiny gloat that Iapos;m going to skip the hellish fry-eggs-on-the-pavement temperatures of February-March; one month until I finish up at work, six weeks apos;til I get back to a place with more moderature temperatures and pleasing mountains to rest my gaze upon.

N got back from Melbourne last night, and rather than sensibly going to bed early I sat up and compared notes on Melbourne and I bored him with stories about work. We went and had brekky at The Globe, and it was very nice even though they stuffed up both my beverage and my breakfast on the first go (when I got the right stuff it was lovely).

Yesterday afternoon, once I had recovered sufficiently from another session at the gym, I went to Morley Galleria. Itapos;s a bit like a scene from Shaun of the Dead - waxy-faced zombies shambling blank-eyed through the aisles of KMart and Target, croaking at each other in pre-verbal grunts. Plus the "Leonards Chicken Emporium" smelled like burnt death. Yick. I wanted to get myself a tasty mango, but at $3 a pop I didnapos;t even achieve that goal. Galleria sucks. I would much rather spend time browsing through footwear made of tofu in Fremantle.

I want to go swimming (since N and I were talking about it this morning) so I might have to go and get myself some bathers that arenapos;t see-through.

The guy on the computer next to me is watching horse-racing on the net. Why wouldnapos;t you just go to the track?
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Got my hair cut today. I really like it.

I finished reading Orson Scott Cardapos;s apos;Enderapos;s gameapos; yesterday. Itapos;s the most compelling book that Iapos;ve ever read. I was so engrossed that I read it all night. Itapos;s so intense and visualizing Enderapos;s nightmares, his fights, his battles, his violent fantasy games ... Everything is really fucked up, and even the moment he "saves mankind" is by destroying a whole planet and many human fleets with it.

Poor boy. He never really had time to enjoy his victories as he was given more stressful tasks, more complication and burden, and the only time he ever got to rest was those few months in North Carolina ... I completely understand his mental breakdown. I really wanted him to succeed, I wanted him to survive. It was either to sink or to swim every time and eventually it became either to be killed or to kill, and that is something a mere child should never experience. His tormentors were only children too.

I, um. Iapos;m so tired that I could fall asleep on my desk right now.

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I am having an amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing time.

I really donapos;t think Iapos;ve felt this good in...ever.

My jobapos;s not terrible, and in fact Iapos;m beginning to warm up to it. For those who donapos;t know, Iapos;m a reporter at the Finger Lakes Times in Geneva. Itapos;s really not where I wanted/was expecting to go with my "career" but itapos;s a definite starting point and at least I HAVE a job unlike many, many people. Plus, Iapos;ve been learning a lot, meeting a lot of new people, and am definitely gaining a new perspective on a lot of things.

My first weekend here I had called Chase and was talking about how beautiful the area was and how the job was okay but it really sucked that all of my friends were about two hours away. He suggested that I go to the bar earlyish, have a drink or two, and see what happens. I was more than convinced that I would just sit there and be miserable. But I decided to take his advice anyway and went to a really cool place called Gallagherapos;s Irish Pub (of course I went there). When I got there it wasnapos;t packed but there was only one spot at the bar and that was next to a guy who looked about my age. I was pretty nervous but I went and sat down anyway and had a drink. FCC was on so I was enjoying watching that, when the boy turns to me and starts complaining about the lemon they give him with his corona. So we start chatting and I find out heapos;s a 25-year old from Geneva, and believe it or not he actually knows where Candor is because he lived in Trumansburg for 6 months. His name is Nick and heapos;s been absolutely incredible. Heapos;s introduced me to so many people and Iapos;ve only been here for a couple of weeks Iapos;m now good friends with him, his cousin Will, and also hang out with Nickapos;s brother Joe, their military friend Chris, and a soon-to-be-med-student Ben. I also met another of their friends, John, last night. They all seem to be very fond of me and am glad that Iapos;m not a "traditional" girl in the sense that I have no problem hanging out with a bunch of guys. Honestly, I feel more out of place hanging out with a bunch of girls. Theyapos;ve all been so nice and Iapos;ve been hanging out with them a lot.

Geneva itself is beautiful and even though itapos;s much bigger than Candor or even Cortland I still feel comfortable walking around by myself. My apartment is pretty spectacular even though I donapos;t have cable, and I finally have a futon so I am no longer spending any more time sleeping on Chrisapos; old blue couch.

I do desperately miss my Cortland and my Candor friends, but Iapos;m beyond happy to be on my own and to be making some really incredible friends up here.

Thatapos;s all from me for now I hope everyone is doing well.

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Had been thinking for the past few hours, about the future.

What will I be in say, five years? Well on my way to achieving my goals or just a nobody?
Seriously, the discussion on the train ride home today got me right there; I just wasnapos;t sure of my plans for the future.

I canapos;t wait to try studying overseas, but in view of the possibility that my Dad might be adversely affected by the crazy stock market trends, I canapos;t be so selfish, can I? Damn the global recession.
Gonna check out the 2-year University of Manchester thing in SP; saves both money and time :/
I donapos;t really mind, but the thought of spending five long years in SP seriously puts me off.�

But for now, I still hold on with good faith that iapos;ll eventually get to my goal of being a Ophthalmologist (:


Time to put my irritating lazy self away and get my geeky act back on.

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